Dazed and Confused by the Grammy Awards

I was looking forward to the Grammy awards since a) I hadn't seen them in at least 3 years, and b) the show's known to turn out some good performances. And there were certainly some interesting moments, but overall I was just really confused. And I only really remember a handful of things about the show, so let's talk about them.

The "Pay Tribute to Aretha Franklin" thing. I was a little confused by this, was she getting a lifetime achievement award? Eitherway, there was Christina "Don't Forget the Lyrics" Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson, Martina McBride, Florence Welch and Yolanda . . . something. I kind felt bad for Martina and Florence going up against three powerhouse singers like that (they're strong singers, but not in that soul sistah way). I enjoyed the Diva-off between Christina and Yolanda at the end.

Lady Gaga performs Express Yourself 2011 Born This Way. All I could think about was how sweaty those dancers had to be in those latex-y costumes, that stuff doesn't breath.

The throwback performance where it briefly went to black and white. I'm so out of the music scene! I had no idea who any of those singers were. But I think I'm a Janelle Monae fan now.

The Performance with Mumford and Sons, some other group, and then Bob Dylan: Wow, I have never seen a keyboardist rock out as hard and the Mumford and Sons keyboardist did. I liked the second group, will have to look them up. And then Bob came out, looked a little confused, stumbled around the cello that was randomly in the middle of the stage, then started singing or something, it was a little hard to hear with 14 guys shouting in the background. Oh, why was the camera angle like that?! Is that the "Dylan Angle"?

The random pairing of musical groups and various CBS stars to present awards. Maybe it was only Paramore and Paulie Perette, but still, what do they have to do with each other?! So confusing. I really wish Award shows would get rid of the scripted “banter”, it’s so awful. The Miley Cyrus and Green Bay Packers guy was particularly painful.

Bieber fights drumming Ninjas! Oh, God, I’m not sure what’s happening to me, but I don’t hate Justin Bieber. Don’t call me a Bieliber yet, I’m just saying anyone who has drumming ninjas as part of his act can’t be all bad. Also Jaden Smith showed up, but too bad Willow wasn’t there to whip her hair a bit.

Katy Perry performs. Another artist that I don’t hate. What can I say? Teenage Dream and Firework are really catchy songs, I wish I was in Japan so I could rock those tunes out at karaoke. Also, while I said before the random appearance of stars from CBS shows bothered me, the obvious exception is Neil Patrick Harris.

Cee Lo performs “Forget You” with muppets, while dressed like a peacock or something. I think you were outdone, Gaga.

Dear Ricky Martin, no one should wear pants that tight or that silver. No one.


Somewhere in there, the Best New Artist was presented. I wonder how many people even in the theater googled Esperanza Spalding on their phones when she won. While it’s great that such an underdog won the award against The Biebs, I was a bit bummed the award didn’t go to Florence + the Machine or Mumford & Sons.

At some point Mr. Schuester came out and started talking about Jazz music in schools or something, it bored me to tears and I spent the segment looking for Esperanza Spalding videos on youtube.

I liked Norah Jones, Keith Urban, and John Depp Mayer’s rendition of “Jolene”. But, kind of like the Aretha thing, this reason for this “tribute to Dally Parton” wasn’t really explained. Still sounded pretty.

I thought Rihanna looked very pretty and classy when she performed her bit of “Loved the Way You Lie”, and then when she did “What my name?” she wore a bikini made of ropes or something. Yesterday I watched her video “S&M”, that was a scarring experience.

Someone needs to have a simple explanation of the difference between “Song” and “Record of the Year”. I know one is for the writers, and the other is for the actual performers of the song. Or they can just keep it simple and give both awards to the same song, like they usually do.

Mick Jagger is like 100 years old and performs like a maniac. Barbra Streisand’s voice is like butter. Gotta love the classics.

Arcade Fire gave me motion sickness. Cameras on the bikes, constant strobe lights, it was a bit too much. There’s also like 5 songs from “The Suburbs” I like better than “Month of May”. Would have loved some “We use to wait”.

And then they won album of the year, which was pretty cool, but apparently a lot of people in the twitterverse didn’t know who the Arcade Fire is. I take back what I said before about being so out of the music scene, these guys are the ones who are out of it.

Arcade Fire comes back and performs again with no strobes or bmx bikes. Far less epileptic seizure inducing, so thank you for that, AF.

And there it was. Ryan Seacrest and some annoying girl at the commercials kept telling me I had just seen a bunch of “Only at the Grammys” moments, but I don’t know. The performances were so frantic, nothing really grabbed me and made me say “OMFG, this is amazing!”, mostly just a lot of "wait, who is that?". But now I'm ready for the "Award show where I haven't seen any of the movies" in two weeks. Bring it on.