Live Snarking the Academy Awards

So rather than a billion tweets, I'm going to live-snark these Oscars, and add a few of my favorite tweets along the way.

6:30
It seems to be a tradition of mine to miss the Oscar opening. But the Twitterverse keeps saying "Bieber" and "Blackface" sooooooo maybe it was for the best.

Time to annoy my followers with#Oscar tweets! First one, Bradley Cooper with a mustache: do not want. #maybeifhewasspeakingfrenchalso
— Ladama (@ladama) February 27, 2012

I WON FOR BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY!!!!!!!!!!!!
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) February 27, 2012

We're going to play Count the Montage tonight. Intro doesn't count, but this does.
— Jezebel (@Jezebel) February 27, 2012

"[A dress] should be loose enough to prove you're a lady" ORLY J Lo?

And yes, I have now googled "J Lo nip slip".

7:00
There's was a Foreign Film nominee from Canada? Does that really qualify?

Ha, a dig at the GOP candidates AND Christian Bale, well done, Crystal.

I would love the Academy so much if Melissa McCarthy wins #nevergonnahappen. Octavia Spencer wins Best Supporting Actress.

Someone spin the Christian Bale Accent Wheel and tell me what he's doing tonight.
— Cleolinda Jones (@cleolinda) February 27, 2012

It's so important that they make everyone wrap up their speeches in 30 seconds so we can have more clips like the Wizard of Oz focus Group!

Also, why didn't they get Bradley Cooper to say the French names, he's all over that!

Girl with the Dragon Tattoo wins Best Editing: I haven't seen the American version yet, but it's good to know the extended sexual assault scenes are well edited.

7:30

Finally, some goddamn Muppets.
— Jezebel (@Jezebel) February 27, 2012

No one can reenact American movies better than French acrobats. #Oscars
— Andy Borowitz (@BorowitzReport) February 27, 2012

I won't lie, I loves me some Cirque Du Soleil.

And the Oscar for Best Friday Light Nights goes to Friday Night Lights.
— Jezebel (@Jezebel) February 27, 2012

Yes, let's get SIX GUYS up to the podium and tell them to wrap it up in 45 second. That'll work.

Ben Stiller's kind of short. Also, my girl crush on Emma Stone continues to grow.

Rock and Stone beat Crystal.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) February 27, 2012

I don't want to live in a world where Transformers is nominated for anything (save a Razzie Award). Thankfully Hugo wins Best Visual Effects.

8:00
"You're only 2 years older than me, where have you been all my life?" Give Christopher Plummer all the awards, guys.

Is it too late to get Uggie (the dog from The Artist) to host this thing?

Oh, no. Penelope Cruz and Cameron Diaz both have mom hair now.
— Coke Talk (@coketweet) February 27, 2012

Half of Flight of the Conchords just won an Oscar. Maybe there's justice in the world after all.

THE MOST TALENTED MAN IN THE ROOM (depending on the room)
— Cleolinda Jones (@cleolinda) February 27, 2012

I just watched Breaking Dawn yesterday, and it's NOT GOOD that Angelina Jolie is reminding me of a gaunt Kristen Stuart.

8:30
I think having the Bridesmaids ladies host would have been an awesome idea. Also I'm adding Rose Byrne to my "Please have a sandwich" foundation.

SHOUT OUT TO UGGIE!

9:00
It's "In Memoriam" time! You know you kinda look forward to it!

Ah, so J Lo's dress was kind of inspired by Liz Taylor's Cleopatra.

Singing the "In Memoriam" song was Esperanza Spaulding's prize for beating Bieber, Florence, Mumford, and Drake last year for "Best New Artist" Grammy.

Uggie is not nominated, and thus this award is irrelevant.

American Jobs Lost to Frenchman
— Jezebel (@Jezebel) February 27, 2012

But then again Jean DuJardin is quite possibly the most charming person on the planet.

Nevermind, Colin Firth is still the most charming person on the planet.

Is Meryl going to be as tipsy as she was at the Golden Globes?

Aw, darn, she was eloquent and heartfelt.  SHE'S THE WORSE! (just kidding, she's a national treasure.)

9:30
Best Picture, it's almost over!!!

P.S. Is Tom Cruise just aging backwards now? Or is he a vampire like Keanu and Nick Cage?

Just give it to The Artist already!

Ha, you can totally pronounce "Hazanavicius" if you just mumble it.

Congrats Uggie!!!! #oscars #treatsgalore #thefrench
— josh groban (@joshgroban) February 27, 2012

And with that, the Oscars are finished! See you next year when we honor a bunch of movies no one has seen, good night!